The cry of the catawampus

I'm a Christian. I'm a follower of Jesus Christ. And I learned a song as a kid that went "I got the joy joy joy down in my heart, down in my heart, down in my heart." And as a child, I was taught that we were to be happy. If we were happy, then that meant Jesus was with us. If I wasn't happy, then something was wrong with me. I didn't have enough faith, I wasn't praying right. And then my parents separated. I prayed and prayed and prayed. And nothing. No Hollywood ending. No remorse and reconciliation. And so I endured a time of rebellion, of anger, of tears, or struggles and down right mad at all things including God himself.

And then I found Christ. I gave my life to him. I made him ruler of my life. And did I become happy? Nope. My life still stank at times. It was still a struggle. And then things got better. Now I was happy. Now I could see the blessings of God. Now I knew he was active. Then, in 2000 I started getting depressed. I ballooned up to over 400lbs. The scale at the college health center couldn't even weigh me. It stopped at 400lbs.

I came across Psalm 13

How long, O Lord, will you forget me? Forever? (my translation)

And Psalm 6

O Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am faint

And Psalm 88

O Lord, the God who saves me, day and night I cry out before you.

These are not the happy words of the Bible I was told I had to believe. These were words of pain, of agony, of worry. These were the words I was screaming. I screamed them as my parents separated and divorced. I screamed them as I was angry at the world for the lot I was given.

We are connected mind body and soul. We are connected physically, emotionally and spiritually. When one hurts, they all hurts. Part of being healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually is to be honest with who we are. With what we feel. So many times we sing that song "I've got the joy joy joy down in my heart" so many times, trying to force our selves to truly believe it when instead our whole life at that moment is catawampus and we don't know which end is up. And so many times when this happens we can lose focus.

I know for me when my wife was in her car accident, I started to loose focus on my health. I've prayed more than ever, I've pushed harder than ever and I've eaten more chocolate Pillsbury frosting than ever. By the spoon full. And this ain't good. Not good at all.

A year ago or so, I came across this song. I stopped the car and cried.



I keep thinking of these words from the prophet Habbakkuk. Back in November, I did a series from the book. I took the idea from Lifechurch.TV. You can see their version here.

With all that was going on for Habakkuk, he declares

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, and though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, YET will I rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my savior. Habakkuk 3:17-18

And so, in the thick of it all, in my desire to get back on track. In my desire to get into the groove once again of being healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, I strive forward. Knowing that despite it all, I will rejoice in the Lord.

Nehemiah 8:10

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength

And I push on towards the goal. I dray my strength from the Joy of the Lord, not my own joy, not my own happiness, but the joy knowing that I have a faithful savior who purchased me with his precious blood saving me from the tyranny of the Devil. I know for certain that I can rest in him.

It's tough. But I know I can do it.

Oh, and I gave up frosting for Lent.

One year and 20lbs later

It's been a year. I've been attempting this blogging thing for a year. You'd think that the progress I had made at this time last year, I'd be all covered with muscles by now. Or at least that's what I had thought. Last year around this time I was within moments of reaching my weight loss goal. In fact, I surpassed it by May.

And then I gained 30lbs.

Lost 10lbs...then gained some back.

Yeah.

But along the way, I learned much about myself, about what I don't know, and the importance of being healthy regardless of the awesomeness that would have been my biceps.

Last year, around this time, people had noticed my weight loss and how much healthier I was looking. I kept getting asked how I did it. So, I finally decided to write a blog about it. Oh, I thought I was the bees-knees on this one.

And so I wrote my first blog post. I had great dreams about what this blog would be like. And I was wrong. I struggled with what to say, how to say it, how I wold come across. Then I found the blog Stuff Christians Like. Reading it helped me see that I needed to be honest with myself in my blog, explore my own failures as well as my own successes and to look at what all made up being a Spiritual Musclehead.

I was focusing too much on the exercise part, not enough on the rest. Sometimes I look too much at the spiritual and not at the physical nor emotional. But each needs some time. Each needs attention paid to it to be healthy.

And now, a year later, there are 8 official followers (thank you all) and readership from around the world--Thank you to those in Russia, Hungary, China, Germany and US and Canada who read.

But one thing I do stick by, and I'll say it again. There is no quick fix. My secret is a simple 4 step process
1. Hard work
2. Prayer
3. Perseverance
4. Patience

I still have to remind myself of these from time to time.

How's your life going as a Spiritual Musclehead?

Finding meaning in it all

I one time reviewed my renter’s insurance. My State Farm renter’s insurance does not cover war, nuclear holocaust nor Acts of God. I’m not trying to be flippant, but I’m hoping no one in Japan has State Farm renter’s insurance.

I remember after the December 26, 2004 Indonesian Tsunami. In the aftermath, there were some Christian leaders calling the disaster God’s judgment upon an Islamic nation, God’s judgment upon those who were committing sins against God and each other. I’m thanking each of them for not saying anything so far about Japan.

But that does make me wonder. What’s up? What’s going on with all these earthquakes? Is it the “supermoon” effect? I doubt it. For one thing, everything’s been happening around the Ring of Fire in the Pacific Ocean.

One thing I do know is that the earth is doing what the earth does. The earth is in flux, it is in turmoil.

Paul writes in Romans

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. Romans 8:22-25

The whole creation is groaning. What imagery of pains of childbirth. Being a guy, I’m so not going to touch that one, but for women who’ve given birth I’ll let you describe what that pain feels like. The earth is doing what it does. It is in pain and looking forward to a time where it is no longer in pain. Like us, it is looking forward to Christ’s return. Until then, creation itself is feeling the effects of Sin.

So, how should we understand the earthquake and subsequent tsunami?

Jesus was asked a question like this. His answer:

“When you see a cloud rising in the west, immediately you say, ‘It’s going to rain,’ and it does. And when the south wind blows, you say, ‘It’s going to be hot,’ and it is. Hypocrites! You know how to interpret the appearance of the earth and the sky. How is it that you don’t know how to interpret this present time?" Luke 12:55-56

These are the signs of the time. I’m not getting all apocalyptic here. This is 2011 not 2012 and the Mayans have nothing to do with this. The earth is broken as I am, as we all are. And as the earth is groaning, so are we. We are groaning for a day where all things will be made new again. Where there will be no more earthquakes, no more tsunami’s no more destruction. But until then, we live out the kingdom of God here and now by helping and serving those in need.

For more information on how to help please check out www.crcna.org/japan

As we serve God in his kingdom, we say at the same time “Come, Lord Jesus, come.”

Giving up

Some time back I wrote a post about what I do when I get anxious--I work out, I go at it with my punching bag, I walk or I munch junk food. It's too blasted cold out right now to go for a walk, my bag is still not up and so that leaves me with two alternatives--munch or work out. Guess what I've been doing? Yeah. Not good.

Why anxiety? Well, a week and a half back my wife was in a bad car accident. God was with her. His hand kept her safe. She rear ended a snow plow going 75 miles an hour and didn't hit the breaks, at all. The car is totaled. And my wife literally got out and walked away. No bones broken. Only shaken up a bit and sore. He hands are pretty cut up right now from the glass. This last Sunday she made an observation. She said that she realized that at that moment, in between her seeing the plow and hitting it, she envisioned God's hand going between her and the snow plow. She said that she looked at her hands. The backs of her hands are cut up from the glass. She realized that God's hands were cut for her. She then thought of the nails that pierced Jesus' hands. The nails pounded into his flesh that hung him upon the cross to die for her sins. And she started crying. She was saved.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of a season called Lent. Lent is a time to focus and ponder on Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, his dying so that we may live. During this time people give things up. Why? So that they can set aside those things that entangle them and that they can focus on Christ's sacrifice for them. On those hands that were pounded through with nails, cut to save a life--the life of my wife.

And for that, I'm eternally thankful.

What will I give up so that I may focus on the great thing that was done for my wife and for myself and for my children? I haven't thought about it yet.

Maybe I should.

FORD Tough-- Part 4 Daily dying and rising

For some reason, my pickup keeps dying and rising. Almost daily it felt like. It'd die on my. I'd bring it into Grant, my mechanic, and then it's get back to working again. Only to die and rise again. Grant is an amazing mechanic and honestly, I want to see if I can take lessons from him on how to take care of my pick up.

Each time people ask me about my pick up, I keep having to admit that the blasted thing is younger than me and in need of repair. The engine's good. Don't get me wrong. The engine itself is in good working order, it's the seals and gaskets that are breaking down. Looking at the engine, it looks amazing, but it's what's on the inside I can't always see.

I've been talking about being FORD tough with FORD standing for "Fix or Repair Daily." (you can check out parts 1,2,and 3 if you'd like)Part of being FORD tough is acknowledging the need to constantly be fixed or repaired daily. Now here is how we can be fixed and repaired daily.

Step 1: Know that you can't do it yourself. Unless you're like the most perfect mechanic in the world and can just wave your hand and make it all fixed, then there's no way you can fix it yourself. No Haynes book in the world will help you. You need to rely on something else.

Step 2: Ask for help. There is the perfect mechanic (and no, it's not Grant, though he's good). Only the perfect healer can heal, only the one True Mechanic can fix and repair you. Come to Him for help. And be willing to receive his help.

Step 3: Be willing and ready to be repaired daily.

So, how can we do step 3? Stop hanging on, loose your life to gain it.

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it. Matthew 16:24-25

This is where some might get mad at me. It's more than just being good. It's more than just being strong willed, more than just standing firm against all odds, more than just having true grit, more than just being willing to take a beating. It's one thing to lay your life down for a cause for the greater good. Commendable, yes, but that's not being FORD tough. To be FORD tough is to not hang onto your life, but to give it up to Jesus instead to use it. And that is the hardest thing.

To be FORD tough, to live a life of being fixed or repaired daily means giving yourself completely and fully over to the One True Mechanic, the One True Physician, Jesus (yes, I said it) and then and only then can you truly be fixed or repaired daily.

If you've done this, given yourself over then be willing to daily stop hanging on to your old self, the past mistakes, the mess-ups, the cracking seals and gaskets, and daily allow the One True Mechanic to repair you.

If you haven't...come, be repaired daily...

Star Wars parenting tips

There are times at the end of the day where you just want to hang your head and cry. I mean just sob. Not out of pain, not out of agony, but purely out of stress. Can't I just have five seconds to myself in the bathroom, please? Can't I make one phone call without you guys headbutting each other (okay, I did teach them that one, so it is kind of my fault).

In an earlier post, I made reference to wanting some sort of spiritual advice in raising my kids. Of all the people in all of Geekdom, the one person thought of as the ultimate wise mentor and advisory is Obi-Wan Kenobi. He was a strong mentor and trainer for Luke. I wish I had someone like that to give me advice. And then I (once again) have to remind myself that this is the same guy who raised Darth Vader. Though, in watching all 6 (4 good) Star Wars movies, I being to wonder if it really wasn't his fault. I mean, he did his best to teach Anakin how to be a good person, how to listen to the flow of the force. But in the end, it was the influence of Emperor Palpitine that led him to the Dark Side....

...well... it was also his insecurities too.

I want to be a good father. I want to be a good example of what a man of God is supposed to be like. And boy do I slip up! I try to show them what it means to pray and read the Bible and instead he mimics me when I get upset and frustrated. I try to teach him how to be good, nice, gentile, Christlike, and he mimics my bad habits. And I want to know, who taught my daughter to put her hands on her hips when she's being defiant...And maybe it wasn't the best idea to teach my son the awesomeness of burping into a wrapping paper tube and having it broadcast around the house...

We're doing our best to teach our kiddos healthy living both in eating habits and in physical exercise. Why do I feel like a failure when trying to teach them how to be spiritually healthy as well...

I hear these words

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4


Okay, so, yes, Yoda sensed in Anakin much fear, but Obi-Wan still did his best. I think my kids sense in me much fear..but I'm going to do my best.. by the grace of God, I'll do my best...and I need a lot of grace.

FORD tough--Part 3 Picking it up

You ever have it where you're just so blasted tired. I am right now. Been a busy few weeks. I haven't been to the gym since Thursday. I've had WAY too much pizza (of course, can you ever have TOO much pizza?) and way too many sweets (and yes, you CAN have way too many sweets). For me, being healthy is a daily thing. It's a daily choice I have to make. Some days I'm better at it than others. Recently, I've been pretty bad at it (ate half a container of Pillsbury Cream Chocolate frosting..good yes, but went straight to my thighs). But it's a daily thing. Some days are better than others, but you have to move forward each time at it. Each day get up and move forward. Each day pick yourself up out of bed, lift up your body, and take those steps forward to be healthy. And it's so stinkin' hard!

On days like this, I so don't want to be FORD tough. On days like this, I so don't want to even think about being fixed or repaired daily. Just give me a root beer, a chili dog, and some football or even the Blackhawks and I'll be okay. Let me watch The Good, the Bad and the Ugly or even some cool Jackie Chan flick, (I'd even go for Bulletproof Monk right now) and just peal me off the couch at the end of the day. That'd be so great..right?

I mean, I try. I try hard. I do my best.

And then I think of these words:

There is do or do not, there is no try.

Thank. You. Yoda.Spiritually (and yes, this is Spiritual Musclehead) I think it's the same thing. No, I know it's the same thing. We need to be fixed and repaired daily. Part 1 and Part 2 looked at the reasons why. And it ain't pretty to say the least. But it's true.

Now, this is where you might disagree with me, and feel free to, but just listen anyway:

Jesus is the way to be repaired. Jesus says that if we want to be repaired daily, we need to follow him. What does this look like?

"If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever looses his life for me and for the gospel will save it." Mark 8:34-35

Duuuuuuuuuddde... that's some tough stuff.

So, do you really want to be repaired daily? It's a daily commitment to do this. There is do or do not, there is no try. Do you want to be repaired daily and made closer to God in the process?

What do you think it looks like to do this daily?