The sins (I mean geekiness) of the father

In the Bible it says that the sins of the father will be passed down to the third and fourth generation. From a psychological/family systems point of view, what this is saying is that the bad habits of the parents are passed down to the child. In many ways, one of the goals in life is to break the cycle of that negative behavior.

Yeah, way too heady for me right now so I'm not going much into it. One things for sure though, my son's been picking up on my geekatude. He's heavily into Transformers now. He loves Star Wars, he even knows what a Sarlaac pit is. Yeah, he's cool like that. He is getting his identity from me. He is learning from me what it means to be a man. And I so don't want to fail him on that.

But this got me thinking about another father I grew up watching. Grew up watching and saw how he felt he had failed. Saw how his son felt he had failed. Yes, I'm speaking of Worf and his son Alexander.

Worf son of Mogh, lived a life of failure in many ways. He was a strong Klingon. To tell the truth, he in many ways is more Klingon than Klingons. In my mind (and of fans) he is the epitome of what it means to be a Klingon. Yet he still lived with the shame of being raised by humans. He lived with the shame knowing that his father was blamed for the destruction and massacre of the Kithomer colony outpost.

After the death of his babymamma (that is what Alexander's mother basically was, no offense), Worf attempted to raise his son Alexander. The shame of the father was passed down to his son. His son did not take a Klingon name. Maybe this could protect his son. Maybe. But soon Alexander was sent to live with Worf's adoptive parents and was raised amongst humans, even taking their last name Rozhenko (Row-shank-O). Sadly, we do not see the child Alexander again until the war with the Dominion. And then, he comes in attempting to be a Klingon but keeps the surname Rozhenko. Again, shame for Worf that his son fighting on a Klingon Bird of Prey knows nothing of his own Klingon heritage, the honor, the valor, the philosophy of what it means to be Klingon and Worf is teased because of it.

As a father, I fear failing my son. I fear that I will bring him shame, that I will create in him some wound that will take years of therapy (and in turn tons of money) to deal with. I don't want to pass down my shame to him. I don't want to pass down my own personal demons, my own failures as a man down to him.

Instead, I so want to pass down to him those qualities that are good. Are honorable. What I like about the relationship between Worf and Alexander is that Worf, after some struggles of his own, is able to welcome back his son into his life and Alexander is able to welcome his father back into his life too. Worf is then able to begin passing down the honor, the valor, all that it means to him to be Klingon down to Alexander.

I want to do this for my own son too. I deeply want to teach him what it means to be a man of God. I want him to know the importance and honor it is to be a disciple of Jesus Christ. I want him to know that he is strong in Jesus. I want him to know the honor and valor and responsibilities that are required to be a man of God. I want him to have what I had to learn.

If Worf can do it, so can I, but by the Grace of God go I.

That blasted cat in the cradle song

My 5 year-old son has been begging me for some "boy time." Just time with him and daddy. And I so want to. I really do. But I've been busy. Real busy. Since my wife's car accident, I've been trying hard to do double duty. I hardly have enough time to go to the gym. And I struggle with it. I so want to spend time with my son. And I know he desperately wants to spend time with me. Even coming into my office, grabbing my arm and pleading with me to do something with him. To help him ride his bike, to play lightsabers with him, to race Hot Wheels, something.

Then, the other day, he wanted to play. I was busy. He started playing with a neighbor boy. And then he and the neighbor boy went to play. As I watched my son walk down the street, he kept looking back at me with a smile that said he was afraid of going away from me but excited to play with a new friend. As he walked away, the song The Cats in the Cradle started playing in my mind (not the one from the 60's but Ugly Kid Joe's version)



Yesterday again, he wanted boy time. So, he and I cleaned up the kitchen. He helped unload the dishwasher and helped wipe off the kitchen table. We then split an apple fritter. I sat there, with my coffee and my half of the fritter and we talked, at least, the best type of conversation a dad can have with his 5 year-old.

During our conversation, he told me how it was interesting that a his skin moved by his eyes when he chewed. I told him it was his muscles in his face moving. "Muscles?" his eyes lit up. So we went on Google and looked up facial muscles. He wanted to know more. So I pulled out Strength Training Anatomy by Frederic Delavier and showed my son the other muscles in the body. He was enthralled. I showed him the different muscles in the body, how the moved, how they worked. It was the most amazing thing to him. A whole new way of looking at things.

Part of my health journey, and part of his as well, is that we are healthy emotionally. That healthy emotional father/son bond that's so needed for him (and I know for me). That father/son bond that helps my son know what it means to be accepted, valued and most of all to be a man of God. And I so want to teach my son how to be a good solid man of God, a devout follower of Jesus Christ. And I know I'm going to fail, I know it's going to be hard. But I'm trying to teach him and show him what's important in life. I'm trying to help develop his own interests whether he's growin up geek or falls in love with rebuilding cars (maybe he can work on my pick-up).

Whatever he chooses, I'll support him. I just hope he remembers and cherishes what "boy time" we do have together like I do.

Star Wars parenting tips

There are times at the end of the day where you just want to hang your head and cry. I mean just sob. Not out of pain, not out of agony, but purely out of stress. Can't I just have five seconds to myself in the bathroom, please? Can't I make one phone call without you guys headbutting each other (okay, I did teach them that one, so it is kind of my fault).

In an earlier post, I made reference to wanting some sort of spiritual advice in raising my kids. Of all the people in all of Geekdom, the one person thought of as the ultimate wise mentor and advisory is Obi-Wan Kenobi. He was a strong mentor and trainer for Luke. I wish I had someone like that to give me advice. And then I (once again) have to remind myself that this is the same guy who raised Darth Vader. Though, in watching all 6 (4 good) Star Wars movies, I being to wonder if it really wasn't his fault. I mean, he did his best to teach Anakin how to be a good person, how to listen to the flow of the force. But in the end, it was the influence of Emperor Palpitine that led him to the Dark Side....

...well... it was also his insecurities too.

I want to be a good father. I want to be a good example of what a man of God is supposed to be like. And boy do I slip up! I try to show them what it means to pray and read the Bible and instead he mimics me when I get upset and frustrated. I try to teach him how to be good, nice, gentile, Christlike, and he mimics my bad habits. And I want to know, who taught my daughter to put her hands on her hips when she's being defiant...And maybe it wasn't the best idea to teach my son the awesomeness of burping into a wrapping paper tube and having it broadcast around the house...

We're doing our best to teach our kiddos healthy living both in eating habits and in physical exercise. Why do I feel like a failure when trying to teach them how to be spiritually healthy as well...

I hear these words

Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. Ephesians 6:4


Okay, so, yes, Yoda sensed in Anakin much fear, but Obi-Wan still did his best. I think my kids sense in me much fear..but I'm going to do my best.. by the grace of God, I'll do my best...and I need a lot of grace.

Growing up geek

I'm a total sci-fi geek. Sounds weird, I know. I like to lift weights. I like watching football (Da Bears) and I love headbanging to Beastie Boys. But I love me some Star Wars. I love watching Star Trek (TOS, TNG, DS9, Voyager, even Enterprise). When my wife and I first met, we bonded over our love for Sci-fi (She was writing a symphony based on a sci-fi concept). At our home, the DVR is almost always recording something for us from the Syfy channel. For my wife's birthday I bought her the complete series of Firefly. For our Christmas we bought the official release of the original pre-1997 DVD's of Star Wars. We have all 6 on DVD and the first three on VHS. We have almost all the TNG movies on DVD. My wife has the soundtracks for all the Star Wars movies. We love sci-fi.

And I'm realizing that it has come through in my parenting as well. I'm teaching my kids to see things through the eyes of a geek.

My kids both have their own lightsabers. And one of their favorite things to do is to have a lightsaber fight with Dad (and I have my own Mace Windu lightsaber, thank you very much). I've gotten into the habit of saying to my whining and impatient children "patience young padiwan." I've even tried the Jedi mind trick with my son to get him to eat his veggies. Still hasn't worked.

I've realized that my kids have picked up on this. They love watching Star Wars with me. My son has so far brought a lightsaber, R2-D2 and a Luke Skywalker action figure to school for show and tell. His folder for school is an old school Star Wars one. And the other day, my two year-old daughter tried the Jedi mind trick on my wife.

Daughter: Cookie please Mommy.

Wife: No honey, I'm not going to give you a cookie

Daughter: (*waving hand like Obi-Wan Kenobi*) cookie.

Wife: no

Daughter: (*waving hand like Obi-Wan Kenobi*) cookie.

Wife: Jedi mindtricks won't work on me

My daughter walked away pouting.

I'm waiting for the day when I have to explain to them that the Holy Spirit is NOT like the Force from Star Wars.

But I still tell them in the words of Yoda: There is do or do not, there is no try

And when my son tries to haggle with me for how many veggies he eats, I love telling him to eat more and when he complains I say "I've altered the deal, pray I don't alter it again."

Ahh...parenthood.

(Still not going to take tips from Obi-Wan Kenobi though)